January 1st 2021
Bye Bye 2020
2020... It feels like the whole world is relieved to let you go.
And so am I...
But despite all that happened, I want to take a moment and express the gratitude for the greatness we were able to discover on the other side of the darkness.
On a personal level, 2020 is the year I learned that my health is my priority. I got injured and was unable to walk for a few months. Way before the whole pandemic happened, I had to process and learn to stay at home. I had to learn to take care of this body of mine. To stop running outward and recenter with my inner self. That this inner work was an every day work, not a one-day realization and then a rush-back to that race we made of our lives.
Stuck at home, I felt left alone, on my own (even though I was surrounded), with a growing feeling of frustration thinking « while the world keeps spinning and working... » how long will I be « prisoner of my body condition? »... feeling guilty of that very thought when I knew that that « condition » was only temporary and so many were in it for ever, like my grandpa... But how to be so sure when you’re struggling with such a basic thing as walking, something I took for granted for my whole life, something I could not even remember how to do... Which leg goes first? What's the foot doing? The hips?... How on earth did I do it all my life?!! It became extraordinary to realize what our body does without even thinking…
Then one day I woke up. March 19th 2020. I was not on my own anymore. California, then NY, the whole U.S... The whole world had to do like me (not re-learn to walk, but stay at home). For a minute I wondered if I had wished that? If my frustration led the world to this? Or was it the dystopian project I had been working on for a year or so, where humanity was left unable to touch that caused this? Don’t laugh, but I did feel responsible. I did feel sorry, and guilty. Guilty to may have caused this by some kind of invisible power of manifestation. Guilty to feel « happy » to not be alone anymore. Guilty to feel grateful for I was given time by the universe, time to heal without falling behind... time to heal and get back on my feet while the world and my industry were finally on « standby ».
Then I got tired of that guilt. I didn’t cause that after all, unless I was an out-of-this-world creature…? I sought help. I learned to focus on gratitude and self care.
And the guilt, the frustration, everything faded gradually away.
This was a lesson given to the world, not only to me. The universe had decided to speak to all of us.
It was just a matter of time. And time had decided it was now. 2020.
I lost some beloved ones. I got worried for some of them who got sick and thankfully healed. I stayed informed but not too much. (News make me anxious.)
And I continued my journey toward my inner self.
I finished my dystopian short (the one that felt like I caused this global chaos). I submitted it for the first time to American and international festivals. I got my first selection. My first festival and my first interviews as a filmmaker. Festival was virtual. But the thrills and butterflies were real.
I wrote. I stayed creative. I got emotional breakdowns. I doubted. I wondered if I was really an artist, if I was really a writer. If I was to continue on that bumpy road of the unknown... ??? Then I connected. Virtual classes, Q/As, Twitter... I was not alone. At any level, those doubts will continue. That’s the fate of being an artist. Learn to live with it or give up. But I won’t give up. Why? Because I can’t.
2020 taught me to make friends with my fears and doubts, they will accompany me all my life. I will fight them, argue with them, but they love me so much that they will never abandon me, (who doesn’t wish to have that in their lives haha?). I’m learning to live with them and accept them and even love them. I learned to accept and live with imperfection. That every misstep is a learning experience and not a failure. I learned that no matter what successes, life is a perpetual learning cycle. I will be eternally a student of life.
2020, I’m alive. I can feel. I can cry. I can laugh. I can be angry. I can love. I can be loved. I can hope. I can take care of my body. I can take care of my soul. I can be an artist. I can walk again. And I’m walking away from you full of gratitude.
Thank you 2020. Now it’s time to say good bye. And let 2021 teach us the New Hope.
And as I reflect on goals and resolutions for 2021, my main one is to not forget, to keep what I learned in 2020 driving me in my mind and in my heart.
*Image 'Hello 2021': Chocalate @ Cleanpng*
***Update on 6.1.2021
A sad day...
That leads me to wonder…. Is crazy the new normal???
But if so, what does that make me?
I’m lost and confused and frustrated and angry in a world that looks so insane from the window of my eyes, wondering if I’m the one gone insane, maybe hallucinating? I wish. But I don’t take any drugs...
I’m so tired of witnessing this world, feeling so powerless...
But I will not give in. I will not give up on my hopes for a better 2021. This is obviously the 2020 residuals.
The 2020 wreckage won’t vanish overnight. But we have to keep up with hope and act for a better 2021.
Praying for Peace and the healing of this world.
(… maybe the real January first will be on the 20th? :)... that's to say in the U.S)